Category Archives: Emotions

I Will Not Be a Grinch.

December 8, 2011EmotionsStacey D.

I’ve read quite a few posts and had conversations regarding this diabetes ennui that seems to be going around recently. And while I wish I could say I haven’t jumped on that bandwagon, I’d be lying.

I’m still testing regularly and acting on those results. But it’s more like robot mode instead of being actually proactive or trying to find things that need to be changed. My motivation for anything, especially diabetes related things, is lacking. Big-time. There has been a lot more stress at work the past couple of weeks so I know that is a contributing factor. I hadn’t noticed before how much I dislike the increased darkness that comes with winter. I’ve never been a fan of the cold weather but waking up in the darkness and coming home from work in the darkness has hit a nerve this year. Or it could just be my frame of mind. I have not been exercising the way I should be. Although dealing with back pain, I’d still much rather think of an excuse and hang out on my comfy couch. And since my BG readings have been pretty decent without the exercise, I’m not finding the incentive to get to it. I can’t believe it but the holiday season is upon us. I’ve done most of my Christmas shopping and am trying to get in the holiday spirit. Still something is nagging at me, pulling me down a bit.

Then I realize that with the holidays, also comes an anniversary for me. I was diagnosed with diabetes on Christmas eve. And in just 16 days I will be commemorating 30 years since that diagnosis. 30 freaking years. And I think that is what is weighing on me. As much as things have been good for those 30 years in the past, I am afraid to move forward and past that mark. I am afraid of what another 2 or 5 or 10 years can bring.

I have to try my hardest to not let that fear overcome me. I have to embrace the knowledge and tools I have to let those fears be just that. Fears. And nothing more.

I can’t let diabetes get the best of me. For a few moments, maybe. I’m only human. We’re only human. But then I must get out of robot mode and find incentive to exercise. My health really depends on it.

I can’t forget what this time of year is really about. Celebrations. Giving. Loved ones. Sharing. There is a lot to be thankful for. Diabetes or not. I will not be a Grinch.

Memorable.

November 29, 2011Emotions, EventsStacey D.

On this date 10 years ago, my life changed forever. But not in the way that something like diabetes can change it. It was good. The man I had been dating for 3 years, the man I had truly fallen in love with proposed to me.

I don’t recall exactly what day of the week it was but it was an ordinary work day. Or so I thought. Joe met me for lunch which wasn’t unusual at that time. He had brought me flowers which also wasn’t unusual. We ate at our favorite diner which was right across the street from my office. After lunch, he walked me back to my office building and I had picked up something at the newsstand to snack on later. When saying our goodbyes, he handed me a leather journal to read. Since my hands were full (flowers and snack), I told him I’d read it later. He kept insisting I read it then. I just thought he was being annoying; ha! I freed my hands by giving him something to hold and I opened the journal. Something caught my eye right away. It was written in but also in the middle of the pages, there was a hole that was burned though the pages of the book. And sitting in that hole was a ring. A diamond ring. I don’t recall my exact reaction when seeing this but I continued to read what he had written. And it was a poem where at the end, he asked me to be his wife! It was his grandmother’s ring that he gave me and November 29th is her birthday so this was carefully planned. All of this happened in the lobby of my building however I don’t even know if there were people watching or not. I was too captivated by the moment. Of course I said yes! I don’t think I cried, I think I was too mesmerized by what was going on. It was hard to say goodbye to him but I had to get back to work! I went up to my desk and announced to my boss and co-workers that I just got engaged. What a surreal feeling. My boss was super nice and let me go home so that I could celebrate with Joe and our families.

I was going to have a husband. I was going to be a wife. We were going to be married. One of the best days of my life. And 10 years later, this date still means the world to me. And so does he.

Guest Post.

October 28, 2011Emotions, Guest Post, PregnancyStacey D.

I met Sysy this past spring at the Diabetes Sisters Weekend for Women conference in Raleigh, NC. I’m very glad I did 🙂

Being that she has children of her own (two beautiful twins mind you) she had asked me to provide a post on the perspective of being a woman with diabetes and not having children. It was a hard one to write but I did want to share that with everyone. I’m honored to have my post over at The Girl’s Guide to Diabetes today.

A Type 1’s Decision Not to Have Children

Thank you so much Sysy for the opportunity to write for you!

Bummer Appointment.

October 19, 2011Complications, Emotions, EndocrinologistsStacey D.

Yesterday afternoon I had an appointment with my endo. On the train on my way home (my endo is in my home neighborhood, not near my job) I found myself wondering why I wasn’t feeling my usual nerves. It was then that I began to feel like I didn’t care. Like I wasn’t concerned with how my appointment was going to go. I can’t pinpoint what brought those feelings on but I was still pretty calm when I got to the doctor’s office.

Overall my a1c went up a bit, my weight went up a bit and my BP was up a bit. I also had an ANSAR test done. If you’ve never heard of that before, it’s a test that determines anything wrong with the autonomic nervous system. Dr. K is concerned that since I started with retinopathy, the chances of other complications may be likely. All of these new-to-me tests are scary. They are part of the reality I have always been afraid of. But I know they are for the best. If I want to stay healthy, I have to be proactive and diligent about my body. It was not the best appointment of all time. But Dr. K thinks my “control” is decent and knows that I’m doing a lot to manage my diabetes. I appreciate her outlook and her recognition of my hard work. There is more fine tuning that I need to do which will happen with the help of my CDE. And also with my own efforts of keeping up with exercise. I feel like now more than ever, my BG control matters. I’ll be soon commemorating 30 years living with diabetes. And that’s a long time. But to quote Dr. K, “you still have a long life ahead of you”. And I want to make sure that life ahead of me is stable.

So for the record, in looking over my meter downloads, I realized something. I do care. I care enough to check my BG 17-19 times in one day.

My 30.

September 21, 2011Community, Education, EmotionsStacey D.

So I missed Invisible Illness Week, but I still wanted to contribute my own “story” for the cause. So here it goes ……..

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 diabetes.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1981.

3. But I had symptoms since: Probably not too long before I was diagnosed.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: I don’t really recall any adjustments. I was only 5 so I don’t remember life before having diabetes.

5. Most people assume: That I have the “bad” type of diabetes. To quote one of my D friends, type 1 is the “best” type 🙂

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting up 😉

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey’s Anatomy or House.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Do I have to pick just one? I literally probably couldn’t live without my glucose meter however I really wouldn’t want to live without my insulin pump or my Dexcom continuous glucose monitor. Those two gadgets have kept my diabetes in check better than anything else in the past 29 years.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Worrying about low blood glucose levels that could be fatal.

10. Each day I take _6_ pills & vitamins.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Tend not to believe a word of any of it.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Neither please.

13. Regarding working and career: I have had a very successful career so far. Sometimes, as I’m getting older though, it can very quite tiring.

14. People would be surprised to know: I didn’t always take care of my diabetes the way I should have. (or maybe you’re not surprised?)

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I can’t really answer this since diabetes isn’t new at all to me.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Anything I’ve ever done.

17. The commercials about my illness: Usually make me chuckle. The portrayal of diabetes is usually very far off from reality.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Hmm. Not being diabetic?

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Again, I don’t remember life before diabetes so I can’t recall having to give up anything.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Being a diabetes advocate.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Want it to last forever and ever.

22. My illness has taught me: Strength and positivity.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Can you eat that? Please don’t ever ask me that question.

24. But I love it when people: Ask me about diabetes – what it is and how it is managed, etc.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: When live gives you one hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have one thousand reasons to smile.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It can be hard but I’ve been doing it for almost 30 years and I’m still here and thriving 🙂

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The lack of knowledge that people have about it.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Get me something to drink or eat when I was low.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: There are so many invisible illnesses that people live with yet outsiders have no idea what they are like. People may have it harder than is shown on the outside.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Accomplished. I hope I’ve taught a thing or two.

A Date I Never Forget.

July 29, 2011EmotionsStacey D.

Tomorrow is an anniversary that I dread every year. A date that I wish the calendar could skip. A date that does not get any easier with time that has passed. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows the feeling.

On July 30, 2003 I lost my father. I lost the man who raised me so well. I lost the person who was always so supportive while I was growing up. I lost one of the closest people to me. I lost one of the parents that I love so much. I may not cry missing him as often as I did eight years ago but don’t be fooled that the hurt has gone away. His dying left a hole in my life that can never be filled. I hate each year that passes without him, even more than the one before. That means more and more time since I last saw him. Since I last spoke to him. Since I last got to hug him or tell him I love him. I don’t wish that he was still here suffering the way he did. I wish I could turn back time to when he was here and mainly healthy. When he was able to see better. Walk better. Feel better. Those are the times that I truly miss. And I loathe you diabetes for taking that away from him. Taking him away from us.

So much has changed since that day but one thing remains the same – the deepness of sorrow I feel without him.

Here is my sister and I with him when we were around 8 and flowergirls in my cousin’s wedding.

Here is my sister and I again with him at another cousin’s wedding around 1993 (I think).

And here he is holding my cousin’s baby in 2000.

Missing Out.

July 26, 2011EmotionsStacey D.

There seems to be a baby boom going on – both in the diabetes community and out. And while I’m genuinely happy for those I know with growing families, some first time parents, these stories also touch a painful piece of my heart. Joe and I have been married for over 8 years (wow that makes me feel old!) I absolutely love the life we share together. I couldn’t be happier married to any other person on this planet. But I can’t help but feel a teeny, tiny longing for something that we don’t have. A child. I think it’s safe to say at this point that children are probably not in our future. And although that is a decision we in a sense made based on what is best for us, it’s not one that I can say I am exactly happy about. Diabetes did play a large part in that decision. I know that women living with type 1 diabetes can have successful pregnancies leading to healthy children. We know that. But that doesn’t take away the stress and the amplified possibilities that come along with a diabetic pregnancy. There are other factors we considered like work and child care. Not to mention freedom anyone? And while all these things lead to an anti-baby decision, I can’t deny that it tears me up inside sometimes.

There are certain situations that make me feel better. Like not hearing a word of conversation with my sister on the phone due to screaming children in the background. Or watching 3 of your friends toddlers having simultaneous tantrums 😉 But there’s a part of me that feels left out. Especially since we are one of the only couples we know without children. Three years ago I went to the baby shower of a friend. And sat at the table with 3 other expecting friends. When I left, I sat in my car and cried. It’s hard to explain the pain because sometimes it’s faint. Sometimes I feel okay with it. But it’s still there.

Maybe one day my life as I think it will be, will change. I don’t know what the future holds. But just know that any child should not be taken for granted. There are some people whose lives are not filled with the joys of being a parent. And I guess I am one of those people.

New Look.

June 14, 2011EmotionsStacey D.

You may notice that my little blog has a new look. Again. Yes, I get bored of certain things very easily. I like to change things up. And can’t promise that it won’t change again from time to time 😉

You may also wonder what on earth cherry blossoms have to do with living with diabetes. Well they don’t really. Even though this blog here is mainly to share my stories and experiences of living with diabetes, I also like to share things that make me happy. Or things that I like. Or encourage a pleasant, positive atmosphere. Cherry blossoms are pretty. I love them. And so I hope that when you visit my blog, it will bring pleasant thoughts or put off a positive vibe. That’s why I picked them. Because living with diabetes is hard and although there is lots to complain or vent about, you can still maintain pleasant-ness and positive-ness 🙂

Ten Things.

May 12, 2011Community, EmotionsStacey D.

Day 4 of Diabetes Blog Week = Having a positive attitude is important . . . but let’s face it, diabetes isn’t all sunshine and roses (or glitter and unicorns, for that matter). So today let’s vent by listing ten things about diabetes that we hate. Make them funny, make them sarcastic, make them serious, make them anything you want them to be!!

I think of myself as a positive person. I have my moments, especially when dealing with diabetes day in and day out, but generally I do not like negative attitudes. That being said, there are still lots of things to dislike or even hate about diabetes. I have a feeling we will see a lot of the same things being mentioned by numerous PWD but here is my list ………..

Ten things I hate about diabetes:

10. Managing it is a full time job.
9. Those lows that get me thinking the end is possibly near.
8. Every time I feel “off” wondering what diabetes related issue is causing it.
7. Not being able to eat *anything* (unless it has zero carbs) without checking BG first and determining how much insulin is needed for it.
6. The cost of diabetes supplies and endless doctor visits.
5. High BG that just won’t budge no matter how much you rage bolus.
4. When a low BG comes at the most inopportune time (ie: during a meeting, when about to drive, while having to be somewhere important, during sex, etc.)
3. The complications that may inflict me and already inflict some of my dearest friends.
2. As much as I need exercise, I cannot without preparation, BG checking, having carbs available, thinking about the next few hours of BG possibilities, etc.

And the biggest reason that I not only hate but fear diabetes is:
1. It took my father from me and my family.

Dear Daddy.

May 10, 2011Community, EmotionsStacey D.

Day Two of Diabetes Blog Week = Letter Writing Day

In February the Wego Blog Carnival asked participants to write letters to their condition. You can write a letter to diabetes if you’d like, but we can also take it one step further. How about writing a letter to a fictional (or not so fictional) endocrinologist telling the doctor what you love (or not) about them. How about a letter to a pretend (or again, not so pretend) meter or pump company telling them of the device of your dreams? Maybe you’d like to write a letter to your child with diabetes. Or a letter from your adult self to the d-child you were. Whomever you choose as a recipient, today is the day to tell them what you are feeling.

My letter is to my late father who was taken from this life due to diabetes complications. I will admit that I wrote this last year but I amended it a bit since I thought it was fitting for today’s topic.

Dear Daddy,

It has been almost eight years.

Eight years without you.

Too long without you.

Too long since I’ve heard your voice.

Too long since I’ve seen your face.

Too long since I’ve held your hand or kissed your cheek.

Each year that goes by seems like a dream.

Did we really live another year without you?

I think back to that last time I saw you.

And I wish so much I never would’ve left your side.

I wish so much that moment could have lasted forever.