I’ve read quite a few posts and had conversations regarding this diabetes ennui that seems to be going around recently. And while I wish I could say I haven’t jumped on that bandwagon, I’d be lying.
I’m still testing regularly and acting on those results. But it’s more like robot mode instead of being actually proactive or trying to find things that need to be changed. My motivation for anything, especially diabetes related things, is lacking. Big-time. There has been a lot more stress at work the past couple of weeks so I know that is a contributing factor. I hadn’t noticed before how much I dislike the increased darkness that comes with winter. I’ve never been a fan of the cold weather but waking up in the darkness and coming home from work in the darkness has hit a nerve this year. Or it could just be my frame of mind. I have not been exercising the way I should be. Although dealing with back pain, I’d still much rather think of an excuse and hang out on my comfy couch. And since my BG readings have been pretty decent without the exercise, I’m not finding the incentive to get to it. I can’t believe it but the holiday season is upon us. I’ve done most of my Christmas shopping and am trying to get in the holiday spirit. Still something is nagging at me, pulling me down a bit.
Then I realize that with the holidays, also comes an anniversary for me. I was diagnosed with diabetes on Christmas eve. And in just 16 days I will be commemorating 30 years since that diagnosis. 30 freaking years. And I think that is what is weighing on me. As much as things have been good for those 30 years in the past, I am afraid to move forward and past that mark. I am afraid of what another 2 or 5 or 10 years can bring.
I have to try my hardest to not let that fear overcome me. I have to embrace the knowledge and tools I have to let those fears be just that. Fears. And nothing more.
I can’t let diabetes get the best of me. For a few moments, maybe. I’m only human. We’re only human. But then I must get out of robot mode and find incentive to exercise. My health really depends on it.
I can’t forget what this time of year is really about. Celebrations. Giving. Loved ones. Sharing. There is a lot to be thankful for. Diabetes or not. I will not be a Grinch.
The Girl with the Portable Pancreas 
It’s weird when we get past that point – 20, 25, 30 years, whatever it is – where we might have never thought we’d be. Sort of feels like we’re just waiting for that other shoe to drop. It’s hard to stay upbeat about it!
Ahhhh, I totally just wrote about this! Yep, definitely have a case of the diabetes ennui going around the DOC. Hopefully we can do something to kick its butt. BTW – happy early diaversary! You don’t even look old enough to have had diabetes for 30 years. I bet you get a lot of “Oh, were you born with it?” comments. 😉
Keep your head up Stacey! Even though you’re not being proactive, you are still on top of things, checking and adjusting. Stress this time of the year runs rampant. The deal with exercise is just getting over the hump of being back in the routine, from my experience. So like physics, it’s harder to get going than to stay in motion.
P.S. I hate the darkness too!
It’s got to be winter, right? I feel like this happens to me/us every time this year. It’s to bad we can’t hibernate.
Girl, I hear you. Every year I struggle during this time. I hope that you and all of us will find a way through it. I applaud your honesty and will to not be a grinch. You are such a lovely person, it’s very inspiring to know you. And I agree with Jacquie, I wish we could hibernate lol.
i get it. totally. with all the added stress of the holidays and the cold weather and the darkness, it makes me want to go hibernate somewhere too. and diaversaries are hard, especially a milestone like that one. it’s both amazing and sad at the same time.
i admire your strength and determination to not be a grinch. one day at a time, my friend.
I feel you. I am totally in the same boat. But you’re right. We need to remember what this time of year is all about.
Thank you!!
3 cheers for 30 years! Maybe we need to buy really uncomfortable couches… because I have the same problem! 🙂
I hear you sister!!! But please remember that everyone of us understands and everyone of us is loves and is proud of you! Diabetes is 24X7 and sometimes we all need a bit of break – Don’t knock yourself down – Your still doing what needs to be done!
This year, the holidays will be very tough for me because it’s the first Christmas Eve, Christmas & New Years without my mom. But when I think of you celebrating your 30th diaversary on come Christmas Eve, I will smile broadly and give thanks because I’m so very happy to have you as my friend!
LOVE YOU.
I cant ever pretend I know what it’s like but I do know that I wouldn’t be as strong as you. And I do hope that whenever stuff gets you down you do remember that you are never and will never be alone. I love you (even if you were a grinch!) xoxo
LY/MI
xoxo
Agree that it is so very hard to motivate one’s self to exercise when things seem fine with blood sugars. Hang in there…
I read the post and had to comment on : “30 freaking years. And I think that is what is weighing on me. As much as things have been good for those 30 years in the past, I am afraid to move forward and past that mark. I am afraid of what another 2 or 5 or 10 years can bring.”
In February 2012, it will be 50 years since diagnosis for me. At the endo’s office yesterday, I forced myself to say it — just to get it out there and voice the fear of the # with someone I felt safe talking to about it. He was so positive about it – it made me feel so much better. Not all medical professionals are like him – some I wouldn’t dare say anything to/ha – they’d scare me even more.
So for what it’s worth from someone who has gone through the 30 year mark (without a pump), the 40 year mark (with a pump/yay) and all the years in between – it’s not easy and I’m not perfect but I am still here. Just go ahead and move forward. One moment, one day at a time.
Even though the # of years scare me and there are days when the fear overwhelms me, I still want to move forward. I am grateful for the changes I have seen in my lifetime and especially grateful for a new generation of endos who believe if we work at this we can live as long (and maybe even healthier) as a person who doesn’t have type 1 for all these years. Just ten years ago, an endo would never have said that to me. So there is always hope. That keeps me moving forward. And thank you for sharing how you feel – I feel less alone.
I’m crying as I read this. I just want to give you a huge hug and fix everything for you!! I’m also crying because I’ve been feeling the exact same way lately. I’m just so indifferent about everything, including diabetes. And I have a diaversary this month too. *sigh* I know I can’t do much for you – but please to know I completely understand.
I couldn’t have read this at a better time. The tail end of the year is always a horrible slog for me, d-wise, and I think it’s because I basically kick December off with my own d-versary. You’re SO not alone in the way you feel. I’ll be thinking of you on Christmas Eve!