Category Archives: Emotions

Diabetes History.

A1c, BG, BG Meters, Complications, Emotions, Endocrinologists

Unfortunately I’m not talking about some major breakthrough in the research for a cure or some mind blowing new product on the market.  I am referring to history that was made yesterday in my own diabetes world.  I had my quarterly appointment with the endocrinologist but it was also my annual physical with her, so a much more comprehensive exam.  As usual, I was nervous.  I hate that I get nervous every time I see her but I can’t seem to help it.  Thankfully yesterday was probably one of my best appointments.

I had printed out my BG readings for her, in all sorts of different report variations, from downloading my OmniPod PDM the night before.  In scanning over them, I wasn’t too pleased with what I saw.  In the past month, my BG was in the 80-180 mg/dL range only 61% of the time.  180-250 was 23%, over 250 was 5%, 60-80 was 9% and under 60 was 2%.  In other words, higher than I would have liked.  My last A1c test was done at the end of April so I was overdue for my normal 3 month routine.  That last result was over 7% and had crept up .2% since the time before that.
As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, in the past 5-6 years, I have been much more diligent with my diabetes management.  Between going on the pump, testing more frequently, using the CGM uninterrupted for the past 3+ years, keeping up with my appointments with the CDE, trying to stick with a regular exercise routine.  Despite my efforts though, I have only had an A1c under 7% once.  Four years ago.  And to this day I still think it was a mistake!  However, yesterday it happened again.  Since I am not shy about sharing my A1c levels , it was 6.7%.  (although it seems much easier to share when it’s a good result!) I literally hesitated for a moment when Dr. K said it and I said to her “wait, what?”  It was a complete shock.  My overall BG readings have not been much better or worse than they usually are.  And especially after feeling that my readings have been higher than I’d like, having almost a 1% drop was not at all what I was expecting.

I was almost too happy to care at the moment about why.  But later I really started thinking about it.  And honestly the conclusion I came up with is that I wish I knew what I had done right the past 4 months so that I could keep doing it!  I’d say in the past 4 months I’ve been more consistent with exercise than before.  Yet I wouldn’t say I’ve been consistent ALL the time.  (the past 2 weeks for instance have lacked exercise big-time)  So the only thing I can think of that had such an impact is my choice of BG meters.   When I used older One Touch meters and when I first started using the PDM with the Freestyle strips earlier in the year, I always thought the readings ran low.  Since switching to the newer Verio IQ as my primary meter and more recently changing the calibration code on my PDM, my readings run higher.  Could this be the magic trick?  Is there a scientific reason this could be?  I’m not sure and I guess I shall see if this trend continues.  And I sure hope it does.

In other news, I have lost some feeling in my feet but this I knew.  At my physical exam last year, Dr. K saw this and sent me for an NCV test which came back normal.  Yesterday was the same – I stopped feeling the vibration on my feet from the tool thingy (tuning fork?) before it actually stopped vibrating.  I do get major pain in my legs when I walk so she had them do a Doppler test.  Which also came back normal.  So the feeling loss in my lower extremities does not appear to be from nerve damage or circulation issues.  While I’m glad it is not for those reasons, I’m stumped as to what it could be from.  Something else I will keep monitoring.

Good appointments like this leave me feeling happy, naturally.  And hopefully not so nervous for the next one.

Patriot Day.

Emotions

Every year, on the anniversary of 9-11, I do not feel right carrying on my day as usual.  My thoughts, and everyone’s thoughts, are all about what happened on that day.  And rightfully so.  As much as we as a nation came together and fought back, things will never be the same.  Just the sound of that date being spoken brings back all the memories.

I was working in Manhattan that day but fortunately not close enough to where the attacks happened.  It still was close enough to feel very frightened.  To feel betrayed by human kind.  To feel violated.

I cannot grasp the terror the people in the presence of those attacks suffered through.  I cannot comprehend that people actually planned those acts of violence.  I cannot fathom the loss people endured when starting that day like every other.  And I cannot understand that people are still losing their lives from things like cancer.

Today I will have to carry on.  I will have to sit in my office to file reports with regulators this morning.  I will have to attend my annual physical appointment with my endocrinologist later on.  But my mind will be somewhere else.  It will be trying to remember and honor all the innocent people who lost their lives that day.

A Good Cry.

Complications, Emotions, Sickness

Wow.  When you haven’t cried in a while and something sets you off, it’s kind of hard to stop.

That was pretty much my night last night.  The reason I was crying was because I was relieved.  But I was also very angry.

I was having discomfort in my chest.  It started when I woke up in the morning but subsided pretty quickly.  Then later in the day, it came back but was pretty bothersome.  It was high in my chest, beginning toward my shoulder but then more toward the center of my chest, by my sternum.  It hurt more when I moved which lead me to believe it was muscular or something like that.  However I couldn’t help but wonder if it was something more serious.  Like heart related.  The only history I have of any heart related issues is high blood pressure.  It’s only been borderline high, not excessively high, and I’ve been on medication for a number of years.  I’ve also had normal EKGs for years.  However I have never had a full heart “check up” before.  I’ve put on some weight over the years and am not exactly in the best physical shape ever.  Most importantly, I’ve had diabetes for going on 31 years.  That is a long time of high and low blood sugars.  This is what scares me the most.  And that is why I was angry.

It was because I have diabetes that lead me to going to the urgent care near me and getting checked out.  I wanted to be safe than sorry and I think Joe felt the same.  (He is the one who persuaded me to go) But had I not been a diabetic, I would’ve brushed the discomfort off and waited to see how I felt in the morning.  Last night I hated diabetes for what it can do to your body.  I hated it for making me worry more than the next person.  I hated it for reminding me what my father went through.  I hated its very existence.

Thankfully the EKG came back normal.  The doctor seemed to think it was something called Costochondritis, which if you’ve never heard of it like me, it is inflammation of the junctions where the upper ribs join with the cartilage that holds them to the breastbone or sternum.  Yup some more inflammation.  He prescribed anti-inflammatory medication and did recommend I see a cardiologist at some point.  I will discuss this when I see my endo next week.

I don’t get out of sorts about diabetes often.  But last night I did.  And it felt so good to cry it out.

Deep Sympathy.

Community, Emotions

I haven’t posted about this yet because I’m really not sure what to say.

In my life so far, I’ve lost all but one grandparent.  An aunt.  Friends.  My mother in law.  My father, even, which hurt deeply.

But I do not know what it’s like to lose a spouse.  Someone who is your best friend.  The father of your children.  Your soul mate.

September 2nd , Meri had asked everyone to set aside that day for praying and fasting for Ryan’s recovery from his battle with cancer.  Instead he lost the battle and gained eternal peace.

It is times like these that I wonder why.  The Schuhmacher family already has to cope with 3 children living with type 1 diabetes.  Shouldn’t that be enough?  Sometimes life just isn’t fair.  But those thoughts aren’t even coming from Meri.  Those thoughts are coming from me.  I admire her for her strength and courage.  But no one could possibly go through something like this without help.  That is where we come in.

Please visit this page and make a donation, no matter how small, to help such a wonderful family.  They both offered so much to others, in terms of support and inspiration and kindness.

Give Forward

Although I never met the family in person, they are a part of the diabetes community that is like a family to me.  And my heart goes out to them just the same.

I am praying for them every day.

(image credit: Our Diabetic Life)

My Diabetes Hero.

Advocacy, Community, Emotions, Family

I’m a day late and two posts behind (sorry Karen!) since I was at the Diabetes Sisters Weekend for Women conference in Raleigh this weekend but this is a great topic and I also didn’t want to miss the grand finale of Diabetes Blog Week.  Day 7’s topic is this: “Let’s end our week on a high note and blog about our “Diabetes Hero”. It can be anyone you’d like to recognize or admire, someone you know personally or not, someone with diabetes or maybe a Type 3. It might be a fabulous endo or CDE. It could be a d-celebrity or role-model. It could be another DOC member. It’s up to you – who is your Diabetes Hero??”

There are many, many people in the diabetes community that I admire and look up to.  The parents of children with diabetes.  The athletes.  The mothers with diabetes.  So many others wo do not fall into these categories but are awesome just the same.  However, my diabetes hero is, and always will be, my father.

Plain and simple a good part of his life sucked because of diabetes.  He had gastroparesis that interfered with his digestion.  He had retinopathy that took most of his vision.  He had heart disease which caused him to have multiple heart attacks and congestive heart failure.  He had neuropathy that lead to the amputation of one his legs.  He had kidney disease that lead him to a short period of dialysis.  All of these things ultimately lead to him losing his life from diabetes.  But not without a fight. 

Sure he struggled with a great deal of depression and negative viewpoint.  He also blamed himself for my diagnosis.  I couldn’t begin to imagine how guilt like that feels.  But he didn’t want me to have the same attitude.  I have no doubt that my diabetes life would not be the same if it weren’t for him.  Maybe even unknowingly, he paved the way for me to stay positive.   

It may have taken me a while, but I live with diabetes better because of him.  I take care of myself knowing what could happen but doesn’t have to happen.  The empty spot in my heart that has been there since he passed away is also full of admiration for him.  For the way he fought against all those complications he endured.  He will always be a hero in my eyes.

Sick or Not.

BG, Complications, Emotions, Fitness, Sickness

I haven’t been feeling well for going on two weeks. Not exactly sick but not well. When you have diabetes, any little ailment or ill feeling causes more questions and concerns than normal. And I hate that. Things like the sniffles or a little dizziness or some fatigue can be brushed off by a person without diabetes if they choose. But when you have to worry about your BG as well as the feeling you are experiencing, it’s a whole different ball game. Your mind begins to wander about the cause of your suffering. Could I be starting with another auto immune condition? Could it be complications? Is it diabetes related at all? To determine if your high BG is being caused by not feeling well or if not feeling well is being caused by your high BG is next to impossible. Not to mention making sure ketones aren’t part of the scenario. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

As for what has been ailing me, I’m hoping to find out. I’ve already had a couple of things ruled out and have a few appointments scheduled in the coming week. I have a feeling most of my symptoms could very well be allergy related believe it or not. And if that’s all it is, I can deal with that. I really just want to feel back to normal already. Especially to get back to working out. (did I really just write that??) But I take not feeling well very seriously. Maybe too seriously?  And I can’t help but place the blame for that on diabetes.

Feel Good Friday.

BG, Emotions, OmniPod

It’s been a long week (even though I only worked four days of it) but it’s Friday.  And that makes me happy.  I’m all hooked up and running on the OmniPod since Tuesday night.  And readings like the ones in the picture make me feel good.  I’m even due for my first pod change tonight since using my own, new system.  And I’ll have to remember that putting it on my lower right back is not a good spot since that is where my heavy tote bag lies when carrying it.  You live and learn! 

 

I wish you all a great weekend 🙂

Stupid Test.

A1c, Emotions

Earlier in the week I had my endocrinologist appointment. Before heading there, I uploaded my BG readings from my meters to Diasend. (Dr. K likes looking at actual readings as opposed to Dexcom trend data. That job is for my CDE.) (And I heart Diasend by the way!) Printing out results from the past 30 days confirmed my already existing suspicions that I’ve been encountering a few too many high BG than I’d like. And as usual with me, there were no obvious patterns but more random, various times of day or night when they have been occurring. With my print outs tucked inside my bag, on my way to the office, my nerves grew. Although my average BG from the meters reflected 143 mg/dL, which I know isn’t terrible, I knew the high BGs would elevate my A1c. And I got really nervous that my A1c was going to be the highest it’s been in a while.

Nope. The same as 3 months ago. I’m currently holding steady at 7.2. For once I was very happy with that number. Last time I was satisfied. This time, actually happy. That it wasn’t higher of course. For the life of me I cannot figure out how the A1c works. Most of the time I anticipate lower than the results I get. This time I expected higher. And I was still wrong. When I was growing up I had my share of high A1c results. 9’s, 10’s, even higher. Those were a result of control standards not as tight (in the first years of my diabetes life) and later, not controlling it like I should. However in the past few years that I have been putting a lot of effort into my diabetes “management”, my A1c has always seemed to fail me at giving a precise picture of what my BG is actually doing. I know not to rely completely on BG readings to give the whole picture. There are many hours in between that can have BG swings. But in the past 3 years since I’ve been using the Dexcom system, knowing what my BG is 24/7, it still doesn’t always tie into my A1c. It wouldn’t bother me so much except for the fact that so much weight is put on this test. Every person in the medical field wants to know what a diabetic’s A1c is. My endo and CDE assess my management success with this number. The ADA and AACE predict how this number will affect my chances of complications. I’m all for managing BG as best as can be – obviously I want to be healthy now and for years to come. But this stupid test not only gives me anxiety every 3 months, it doesn’t even make sense. At least for me.

image credit: sodahead.com

The Big 3 0.

Emotions, Holidays, Milestones

It was Christmas eve, 1981. God had other plans for a little 5 year old that year, other than spending time with family, opening gifts, waiting and wishing for Santa to come and leave gifts for the next morning. Instead that little girl was taken to the hospital where she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. That little girl was me. Thirty years ago today.

Now that I can say that I have lived with diabetes for a full 30 years, I can’t quite explain what an achievement that feels like. I’ve carried out my life the way I would have otherwise. Despite the fact that I’ve poked my fingers over 65,000 times. That I’ve had over 32,000 injections. That I’ve had countless low and high blood glucose readings. I am a reasonably healthy adult. For that I am extremely thankful.

So much has changed since those days of learning how to give injections to an orange. Having my parents give me my shots. Having to use urine strips to determine glucose levels. Fighting with insurance to cover a blood glucose monitor for us to use at home (a gigantic, slow, super expensive one at that!) Taking only one or two injections a day. Not counting carbs but eating a restricted diet. Testing just once or twice a day. For the past five years, I have been using an insulin pump. For the past three, I have been using a continuous glucose monitor. These two things alone are something that I never would have imagined using growing up. Having diabetes, I am so appreciative to be around in the days that these things are available. That things like the artificial pancreas are in the works. These things have helped me get to where I am today.

I wish, with all of my soul sometimes, that I didn’t have this disease. I would give anything to not have to test my BG before everything I do. Everything I eat. Every time I am active. Each time I go to sleep. And in between. Even more so, I would give anything not to have fear about losing my vision. About having nerve damage in my legs or hands. About my food not digesting properly. About the functions of my kidneys and heart. But God had other plans for me. Thirty years ago today I was diagnosed with this disease. And I will make the best of it. I will test my BG frequently each day. I will force myself to exercise even when I really don’t want to (still working on this one). I will go to a myriad of doctors to be proactive about the complications that have begun in my body. And most of all, I will fight diabetes with every ounce of my being. No matter what is in store for me after 30 years, I will not let diabetes destroy me.

Holiday Joy of a Different Kind.

Complications, Emotions

I think one of the hardest things about living with diabetes is knowing the complications that can happen from high blood sugar over time. Knowing that you can start having problems with your eyes, limbs, kidneys, heart, digestion, etc. is scary as hell. We do everything we can to control our blood glucose levels in order to prevent these things from happening. But for someone like myself, having high blood sugars over the course of 29.99 years (8 days shy of my 30th diabetes anniversary), I’d say is time enough to possibly cause damage.

I have started to see some of this damage develop in my body. I have started treatment for retinopathy and mild gastroparesis. I also had a slightly abnormal autonomic nervous system test result recently. But today I received the greatest news. I had a NCV test done a few days ago to confirm what seemed to be some loss of feeling in my feet at an endo appointment.  And after persistent calls to my endo’s office (thanks Dr. K for putting up with my anxiousness!), she called me back with the results. No signs whatsoever of nerve damage in my lower extremities. This is the best Christmas and d-versary present I could ever have asked for! I know this doesn’t mean I’m in the clear for good. But this is a huge blessing. One that I am extremely thankful for at this point in my life. This may have been the lift to my spirit that I’ve been needing. This is motivation for me to keep my BG in check.  It also shows that complications are not inevitable. Even after 29.99 years.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I know mine is off to a great start 🙂