Category Archives: Emotions

Sisterhood.

Community, Emotions, Events

There are times living with diabetes that you can feel like the only person in the entire world who is dealing with the struggles of living with a 24/7, 365 days a year disease.  Then there is the online community who you can go to for support at any given time.  About anything.  Even better are the in person meet ups that often come out of interacting online.  Well take that up a notch and you have a whole weekend of time spent with about 100 women who all have diabetes of some type!  Now that is rewarding.

I had the honor of attending the Weekend for Women conference held by Diabetes Sisters this past weekend in Raleigh, NC.  There is something so touching about being in the presence of close to 100 women from 20 different states, all knowing what you go through living with diabetes.  It was a wonderful way to enlighten us about how best to take care of ourselves, reinforce that we are not alone and create a bond that is priceless.  I got to spend time with Allison, and got to meet Sysy, Sarah, Melissa, Melissa and so many others.

Friday night we were welcomed into the Sisterhood by Brandy Barnes, the founder of Diabetes Sisters.  We broke up into groups and had fun playing games to get to know one another.  And it was in fact that.  Fun.

There was a variety of speakers during the conference, all of whom were fantastic to listen to.  The first keynote speaker was Gloria Loring.  She has a son with type 1 diabetes, so although she doesn’t live with the disease herself, she is a very dedicated D mom.  She spoke about ways in which we can adapt to life living with diabetes through personal growth and shared some very touching personal stories.  She also sang for us which was a real treat with that voice of hers!

The conference offered breakout sessions where you could choose which one you wanted to attend.  I attended the Diabetes & Heart Disease discussion.  Dr. Thelsa Pulikkotil, chief cardiology fellow at UNC at Chapel Hill, offered some great information about what women with diabetes need to know about their risks for heart disease.  I’ll admit that some of it was a bit depressing, hearing those astounding risk statistics, but knowledge is power and from this I will be finding out my individual LDL, HDL and triglyceride numbers from my endo.  She added some humor to her presentation which I enjoyed.   I also attended the Living with Advanced Duration Diabetes session.  This was led by Connie Hanham-Cain, Claire M. Blum and Cindi Goldman-Patin all RN and CDE’s as well as part of the Diabetes Sisterhood.  Being in a room full of women who had a combined 500 years living with diabetes was inspirational to say the least!  It was again a bit depressing learning about some of the unspoken challenges and complications that can come from having diabetes a long time.  But it was also relieving to see so many woman who have some of these complications and are doing okay!  We also had a group discussion about Strategies to Improve Glycemic Control led by Elizabeth Politt.  She offered some good information about diet that is best for women living with diabetes.

The Celebration of Strength dinner was one of my favorite parts of the weekend.  It started with the reception room being decorated in orange.  It looked beautiful. (And I was very under dressed!)  Riva Greenberg spoke to us about flourishing with diabetes.  She shared her own story and we spoke to each other about challenges we had overcome.  It was very motivational to hear different stories about the challenges we overcome.  Every single woman in attendance was recognized for their time having diabetes and rewarded with their own Orange Will pin.  I was part of the Sisters with diabetes for 20-30 years.

We ended the dinner with some singing and dancing.  I will listen to Superwoman by Alicia Keys from now on and it will bring me back to that special moment shared by all of us.

Sunday morning started bright and early for the first annual Orange Will Walk.  We all came together, including the Mayor of Raleigh, and walked a mile in support of well, ourselves.  After the walk Mayor Meeker commended us for our efforts of educating and advocating for women with diabetes.  He presented Diabetes Sisters with a plaque and declared May 1st Orange Will Empower Women with Diabetes Day.  How awesome is that!

After the walk, we enjoyed a nice breakfast and a discussion about Sex, Relationships and Diabetes, led by Rhonda Merwin PhD and Lisa Honeycutt MA, LPC both from Duke University Medical Center.  This was a very personal topic which I think touched many of us.  We learned a lot about not only ourselves but about the role our significant others play in the daily routine of our diabetes care.

There was another breakout session and I attended Evolving Technology led by Kelly Close.  I’ve met Kelly before and always enjoy listening to her speak.  While I honestly didn’t learn too much that I didn’t already know about existing or upcoming technology products, it was great to hear Kelly’s perspective on medication and devices.  She shared her own experiences with things like the CGMS and other diabetes medications.  I admire what she does with diaTribe.  If you haven’t heard of it, I’d highly recommend checking it out.

Our last speaker was Ann Albright, Director of Division of Diabetes Translation Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  When I think of people working for the CDC, I automatically think of business-only, serious kind of people.  Ann to my pleasant surprise, is not like that at all.  Living with diabetes herself, she is passionate about creating better resources for people who have diabetes.  She suggested things we can do to improve these resources like getting more involved within our communities and even with our loved ones.  She was extremely down to earth, fun and you can feel her love for what she does through her presentation.  She ended with her love of the blues, playing Eric Clapton’s Change the World with us all on our feet, snapping, clapping and singing with her.  This is another song that I will never hear the same again.

Overall my experience at Weekend for Women was a memorable one.  There was so much that I gained from it, that I will take with me forever.  Thank you so much Brandy and the rest of the Diabetes Sisters team for organizing such a worthy event.  I’m really hoping I can make it again next year!

And a special thank you to my wonderful husband, who came along with me for the trip.  He was a great sport roaming the Raleigh neighborhood while I was in sessions.  And although he wasn’t with me during the conference itself, it was great to see his face during breaks and to have him by my side at night and during the Orange Will walk on Sunday.  It meant more than he will know to have him with me.

Another Loss.

Emotions

While Joe and I were in Mexico last week, we left our furry kids at the vet.  We don’t normally do this when we go away but Linkin was on daily doses of Prednisone so we thought it easier to have someone with him every day to give him his meds.  A few months back he was diagnosed with insulinoma.  Ironically, he had a condition that affected his blood sugar, only in his case it was too low.  Unfortunately this is something that is very common among these pets.  He was doing well on the daily meds until a week or so before we left for vacation.  He had lost some weight and wasn’t eating normally.   A call to the vet resulted in an increased dose of the steroid for him.  When we dropped him and Dakota off the day before we left, we pointed out that he should be looked at by the vet while boarding there. 

Fast forward to our third day of vacation when we got a message from the vet that Linkin had a seizure.  When I spoke to her, she told me that his blood sugar dropped overnight to 20 mg/dL causing him to seize and that he was still unconscious.  She wasn’t sure of his prognosis but there was a chance he wouldn’t make it.  A few hours later when I called back we found out he had just passed away.  I cannot tell you how hard this was being so far away from home.  It definitely put a damper on our time away.  And we didn’t get the chance to say a real goodbye to our little old man 😦  It’s crazy how attached we get to our pets.  On the one night we had without them at home before we left, it was so quiet.  Too quiet.  We laid him to rest when we got home and the only comfort we have is that he is now playing again with his brother Elvis, who we lost only 13 months ago.      

We miss you Linkin!! ❤

Getting Older.

Emotions

My birthday is coming up in less than 2 months and although I won’t say exactly how old I’ll be, I’ll just admit that I’m in my thirties heading toward a new age “bracket”. For some reason I am not at all looking forward to this new age bracket. I mean no one really likes getting older right? But I think I know why I am not happy about it. Not only is my body getting older, my diabetes is getting older too. I have been blessed so far with no major complications. After 29 years. I thank God every day for this. But it makes me wonder how long it can remain that way.

I definitely don’t feel as good, in general, as I used to. I feel more tired, worn out easier, achy in certain body parts, etc. I know that this gets more common with age and that other things come along with it. But that’s just the body aging part. It’s really the diabetes aging part that instills a great fear in me. I’m managing my diabetes better now than ever before (or at least trying) but that doesn’t mean damage hasn’t been done to my body. And it scares the hell out of me what that damage could possibly have lie ahead of me in the future.

I worry a lot about my heart. I’m not sure if that’s because it’s the one vital organ that keeps me alive. Or if because it’s one part of me that doesn’t get checked out often. I see my ophthalmologist twice a year, my endocrinologist and diabetes educator every 3 months, my gynecologist once a year, my gastroenterologist and dentist at least once a year, my podiatrist, dermatologist, orthopedist, allergist and otolaryngologist when necessary so I’m comfortable that all those parts of me are working properly. For the most part. And phew, that was a lot of ‘gists and ‘ologists! Especially for a thirty-something year old! But my heart is really only checked out when I have my annual physical exam that includes an EKG. Those have always been normal and I have no reason to believe that there is a problem with my heart. But I know that 29 years of diabetes can cause some issues with it. Or with anything for that matter. So as a birthday present for myself, this year I am going to add another ologist to my list … the cardiologist. Not my idea of a fun gift but even to just put my mind at ease. And that is something I can look forward to.

Getting older can be tough on the body. Getting older can be even tougher on diabetes. I’m hoping if I stay on top of things, I can impede those things I am most of afraid of. Really hoping.

No Words.

Emotions

Back in 1998, I not only met my husband, I made many new friends as well. My husband had (and still has) a very large circle of friends that have been part of his life for a long time. (I actually always envied that since life took a lot of the friends I had growing up on separate paths). One of those friends I met was Derek. To Joe, he is one of those friends who is more like family. For me, knowing him a shorter time, he means a lot to me too. And this past Saturday, February 19th, instead of wishing Derek a happy birthday, Joe got a phone call that he had passed away.

Derek was struck by a car in December of 2000 and was seriously injured, sustaining severe head trauma and becoming a quadriplegic. It took him quite some time and a lot of hard work to recover as much as he could, but he came such a long way over the past 10 years. After being in the hospital for I don’t even remember how long after the accident, he spent a few years in a rehabilitation center in Upstate NY. Then he moved to Albany to be closer to family. Although he had 24 hour home care, he lived in his own place. He didn’t let his disabilities stop him from doing what he could. Since he lived far enough away, we didn’t get to see him as often as we would have liked. But we did go to see him when we could and Joe talked to him all the time. Every time we went to visit him, part of our visit would be spent with him at the gym. I will always remember feeling ashamed of myself for not exercising regularly for no good reason at all when Derek went to the gym religiously to work out his upper body. And he was in a wheelchair! He loved the sun & so many times when Joe would call him up during the warm weather, would get the answering machine because he was out soaking in the sun. Despite what he had been through, he never lost his sense of humor. He was always joking with us and reminiscing with Joe about old times. He was an inspiration to everyone that knew him.  And this was totally unexpected. Joe had just spoken to him the night before. His life was lost overnight with what seemed like no sign that anything was even wrong.

I came across a quote a few days ago that is so perfect for a time like this. “For some moments in life there are no words” David Seltzer.
This truly is a moment that no words can describe. We’re still in shock and it doesn’t feel real. My heart aches even more for his family who lost a brother and a son and for my husband who lost one of his best friends. And Derek is going to be missed terribly by so many people.

RIP Derek K.
2/19/69 – 2/19/11

Great Doctor. Great News.

Emotions

“I’m not going to lose my leg!  I’m not going to lose my leg”!  That is what was repeated in my mind over and over again earlier today.

It started about 3 weeks ago when I began having pain in my lower right leg.  I didn’t do anything to injure it so it pretty much started out of the blue.  It trickles down to my ankle/foot area at times.  The pain is at its peak when I walk.  It’s not to the point that I cannot walk but it does hurt something fierce.  To some people, this may not seem like a big deal.  Some people may be able to grin and bear it.  But I have diabetes.  And there are so many things that can go wrong with my legs.  I first went to a walk-in-kind-of-place to have it looked at last weekend and they sent me to the ER where I waited hours and hours to have a Doppler test to check for a blood clot.  That test came back okay thank goodness.  But it didn’t explain the pain. Since I wasn’t sure what type of doctor to see, I listened to my hubby’s suggestion of seeing an orthopedic doctor.  I had been to an office already 2 years ago when I had my trigger thumb surgery so it’s not like I had to find a new place.  So today I went.

Although I had been to this office before, I was seeing a new doctor.  They brought me in to the exam room and gave me paper shorts to wear.  (And yes, I looked really sexy! 😉 ) When the doctor came in, I immediately liked her.  She was so pleasant and I can actually see her listening as I described my symptoms.  The first thing she did was feel my leg and she knew exactly where to touch it that hurt the worst! She said she knew exactly what it was.  Shin splints.  After finishing my exam, she sent me down the hall for x rays.  I was sitting there in my bright blue paper shorts and Ugg boots.  An older woman came out of the x ray room, looked at me and said “boy don’t you look cute!”  We exchanged some laughs and nice words and she was on her way.  After she left, I sat there by myself and the thought of all the pain I’ve been having being from shin splints weighed on my mind.  And the notion that this was something treatable, not life threatening and most importantly not something that was going to put the life of my leg in jeopardy, brought tears to my eyes.  I still tear up thinking of how scared I was.  How I was thinking there was something seriously wrong with my leg.  That is was the start of diabetes complications.  That it may lead to me losing my leg.  And the relief I feel that it is not what I was imagining, is indescribable.

The x rays didn’t show anything which is good. She said there is a very slight chance I could have a stress fracture but she doesn’t think it’s likely.  I need to limit my activities (bummer!), take some pain relievers and begin physical therapy.  This is going to be a pain in the a** but definitely something I can deal with.  And hopefully the therapy will help the pain let up so that I can get back to normal.  This is one doctor I really, really liked and one visit that I really, really appreciated.  There is something wrong with my leg and it does hurt.  But the fact that it is only shin splints, is great news.

Enough

Emotions

12/1  5:59pm 251

12/1  3:39am 266

11/30  6:18am 209

11/29  11:03am 239

11/25  9:52pm 236

Sadly, these are some of my blood glucose readings over the past week or so.  And unfortunately there are others like it too in between some random decent numbers.  No pattern.  No apparent reason.  Just.  All.  High.  Living with a pancreas that doesn’t work and using a portable electronic device in its place, there will be high blood sugars.  What my “job” as a diabetic is, is to try and keep those highs to a minimum by giving myself enough insulin (but not too much).  Sometimes though, it doesn’t work the way I want.  When there are days or weeks like these, it gets me feeling like garbage.  Not just physically either.  Emotionally and mentally like garbage too.  I posted a status on Facebook last night “to all my family + friends who don’t have diabetes, be glad you don’t (I am bitter today)”.  I know there are worse conditions or illnesses to have than diabetes.  So when I feel down, frustrated, helpless or overwhelmed in dealing with it, I feel guilty.  Anyone who knows me can attest that I usually have a positive outlook on things.  I’m not a pessimist.  I don’t dwell on the things that aren’t what I’d like them to be.  But sometimes diabetes can get the best of us.  And that’s what is happening to me.  Not being able to control the one thing that is crucial to my overall health is discouraging to say the least.  I’m scared about the impact it will have on my body in the future.  Near or not.  I don’t like how it’s making me feel now.  And the stress of getting it back to where it’s supposed to be is hindering.  I’d say those are valid reasons for feeling upset.  As long as I don’t let it overcome me.

So I’m hoping that I’ve had enough of this high blood sugar streak.  And in turn, I will have had enough of this feeling bad all around and I can go back to my enduring self, monitoring (semi) normal readings.  Fingers crossed!!

Blessings

Community, Emotions

It is Diabetes Blessings Week in the diabetes community thanks to Mike declaring it so!  Many other bloggers have accepted his invitation to write a post each day of this week about these blessings.  Although I have fallen short of writing yet, being that it’s the day before Thanksgiving, I thought I’d reflect on some of the blessings for which I am eternally grateful.

Diabetes Blessings

Blessing No. 1 – the many friends across the country that I have made over the past few years.  Living with diabetes is not easy.  But somehow knowing and interacting with people who are dealing with the same or similar things as me made all the difference in the world in the outlook of my own diabetes management.

Blessing No. 2 – the condition of my eyes after having diabetes for almost 29 years.  The report I got yesterday from my long time opthamologist that there is still only minimal signs of diabetes and that whatever signs that are present are not progressing, was music to my ears!

Blessing No. 3 – the means to have an insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor (CGM) to help in my diabetes treatment.  I am extremely blessed to have insurance coverage that includes things like these.  They have made a tremendous difference in my glucose readings over the past few years.

Blessing No. 4 – that I am physically capable of getting the exercise that is so beneficial to my diabetes health.  I currently have no physical limitations to keep me from getting the oh so important activity that my body needs.  Now if only I can seriously get over my laziness!!

Non Diabetes Blessings

Blessing No. 1 – our new home.  We just bought our first place a couple of weeks ago.  As stressful and tumultuous as the buying and moving process was, we now have a beautiful place that is ours 🙂

Blessing No. 2 – my husband.  The 12 years that we have been together (7 and a half of them married) have been wonderful.  We’ve been through some rough times together but in the end I think our love is stronger because of it.

Blessing No. 3 – my family.  I am thankful for the extended family I have but especially my mother, sister, niece and nephew.  I honestly don’t know what I would do without them.

Blessing No. 4 – my job.  Although it keeps me at the office late a lot and brings me stress at times, I am blessed to have a job that provides so well for me. 

I am wishing you and yours a very happy Thanksgiving!  May you have much to be thankful for today and always.  And for those of us who will be counting carbs for the holiday, may your blood sugars be good to you!!! 

Sadness and Fright

Emotions

Yesterday there was news around the diabetes community about a beloved 13 year old girl who passed away apparently from dead in bed syndrome.  Although not all of us knew the girl or her family personally, our hearts ache just the same.  There was a moment of silence for her at the beginning of the DSMA chat last night, there are candles in many profile pictures on Facebook and Twitter in her honor, there is lots of sadness and detestation for diabetes throughout the community. 

I have to admit that I don’t usually dwell on the negatives of living with this condition.  I have my moments, as we all do, but I do what I have to and try not to think about the “what if’s”.  Yesterday was different.  Today is different.  This event and the “what if’s” of diabetes is heavily on my mind.  I laid in bed last night with a tear or two falling from my eyes instead of falling asleep.  Afraid to close my eyes.  I’ve been through this myself, losing my father to diabetes and its complications.  But a 13 year old girl?  Who closed her eyes to go to sleep and never had a chance?  This scares the hell out of me.  We do everything in our power to manage our blood glucose levels.  And the fact that this girl and her parents were doing everything they could, just.  is.  not.  fair.         

This precious girl was a young daughter, a sister, a friend, possibly a grandaughter and niece or cousin.  She was a child with diabetes who now will never grow up to be an adult with diabetes.  My prayers are with her family and will be for a long time.  This is heart breaking news of something that no family or friend should ever have to experience.  Or something that any person with diabetes should have to fear.  And I’m very glad for the diabetes community since I know I’m not feeling these things alone.  I just wish there was something we could do for her family.